Savvy!
by Mebrireth
Summary: Think Timmy from South Park and you'll understand the title. Basically the immediate result of one too many Mary-Sues. Flames and reviews welcome!
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: Okay, this is basically a small idea that came to me after seeing and reading one too many Mary-Sue stories. And yes, I know parodies of them aren't all that original either, but meh, I had to write it down. So yeah, read if you want, and reviews are more than welcome. Flames are welcome as well, but only if they are entertaining and spelled correctly. I don't want any 'u suk', come on people, let's get creative here!  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"Savvy," Captain Jack Sparrow's sultry voice echoed along the decks of the Black Pearl, which was slightly odd because he was not in an enclosed area that would normally produce such an echo.  
  
Will Turner glanced around uneasily, also disturbed by the fact of the echo. However that was wiped away by his next thought as to why he was on the Black Pearl to begin with when he should have been back in England with Elizabeth. It had been a few months after Captain Jack Sparrow's escape from the hangman's noose with help from his young blacksmith friend, so the ship should have been well off into the depths of the ocean and far away from the two lovebirds, but no, instead Will was back on the Black Pearl with Jack.  
  
"Man overboard!" one of the men from the crew shouted. He was a nameless man of the crew, as his appearance did not merit a name worth remembering from the hormone driven minds of those who had seen the movie.  
  
Will turned and went to the side of the Black Pearl, gazing down into the tossing waters, a place that was hardly hospitable for any living person. Suddenly, all concern he had had before over the misplaced echo and reasons behind his current location was wiped away as his dark eyes took in what was exactly in the water. Despite the generic usage of the ever-popular phrase that applied to anybody being seen in the water, the person in need of rescuing was in fact a young woman.  
  
"It's a young woman," the young blacksmith called out needlessly. There was an immediate uproar and much hustle and bustle on deck as every available hand raced to haul up the prone form in the water. For it was clear to any male on ship, of which all of them were except for Anamaria who was conspicuously absent from the story anyway, that the woman in the water was clearly beautiful even when unconscious and soaking.  
  
"Savvy?" Captain Jack Sparrow questioned as he leaned over the large wheel he was positioned at. He wanted to know what was going on and who exactly all the men were working to pull onto deck, yet was reluctant to leave his ever-powerful position. He was the captain, and the captain must always remain at the helm and ready to bark out orders to the crew.  
  
Will pushed forward so that he was at the forefront of the group of men working over the side. He grabbed onto an arm of the woman and pulled, immediately receiving help from the other crew-men who were grabbing onto any available portion of the woman. With their combined efforts, the woman was out of the water and onto the deck of the ship quickly, at which she conveniently gained consciousness the moment her pretty little head came to rest on the rocking wood of the ship.  
  
All of the men stood back and gasped in shock as she opened her eyes, eyes that shone forth with a brilliant gleam of cerulean blue that also could be described as Lapis Lazuli. All of the men except, of course, for the young Will Turner who remained bent down on one knee at the side of the nearly drowned maiden. He too was immediately caught up in the power of the superfluously described blue eyes.  
  
"Are you alright?" he asked as soon as he could find his tongue again and regain his wits from being momentarily dumbstruck by the ridiculously beautiful girl.  
  
A look of subtle pain and confusion marred the perfect features of the girl. "I know not," she breathed out.  
  
The men on board exchanged a brief look with each other at her odd form of speech. It was almost as if somebody was attempting to recreate archaic English but was instead either trying too hard or still caught up in the wrong era.  
  
"Savvy!" came the shout from the helm. Apparently super cool pirate slang was not forgotten in the attempt to write in the correct style of dialogue.  
  
Will managed to pry his eyes off from the woman before him long enough to turn and answer to the captain's inquiry. "It is a young woman, but I believe she will be alright. All she needs is some rest and devoted attention and she will be back to her normally sassy self." The blacksmith was not entirely sure how he knew all of this information, but the thought did not occur to him to be worried over the aspect as subtle signs of important aspects of character development was also conspicuously absent in the attempt of fan fiction.  
  
By the time Will turned back to the young woman, she had once again sunk back into the realms of unconsciousness. "We must get her below deck and into one of the rooms," Will supplied. Without waiting for an answer, he scooped the prone form off of the deck and started towards the opening that would bring him below. None of the other men moved to help, in fact, it was almost as if they were frozen to the spot. For they knew that they would only show up in key moments in the story when the anchor had to be 'weighed' or the sails 'set' or any other form of ship maintenance, depending on how well-versed the subsequent author was on ship procedures.  
  
Yet despite the impending doom of the crewmen to be reduced to glorified extras rather than actual characters, the story pushed forward with Will scrambling to get the young woman to a place of relative safety and comfort. Oddly enough, the only place he could think of to put her was in fact his own room, but that seemed good enough because then he could be by her side day and night and carefully monitor her recovery.  
  
Will reached his small chambers, which was odd because rooms on a ship were normally placed above deck alongside the captain's quarters, but that was another fact that did not seem to matter much to the story. With the utmost care, the young blacksmith laid the woman out on the bed and then stood back, wondering what else there was to do.  
  
Just as Will was contemplating thoughts of performing CPR, the woman stirred. His knee automatically dropped and the blacksmith found himself at the side of the bed, his hand clutching onto the hand of the mysterious woman.  
  
She coughed daintily, which was hardly enough to bring someone back from near drowning as they normally would have to hack up large amounts of water from their lungs, but as it was becoming increasingly apparent that no sort of logic could be applied to the story, this once again did not matter. Opening her marvelously indigo eyes once again, a small smile pulled at her gargantuanly full and blood-red lips. The poor blacksmith could not help himself and found his heart brimming with love for this spectacular creature.  
  
"Wherefore do I be?" the young maiden asked.  
  
Something inside of the blacksmith broke and for a small instant he found his overwhelming love halted immediately by the oddity of her speech. Instinct took over and Will blinked, looking around the room. Something was wrong, terribly wrong, and he should not be here.  
  
A slight pull on his hand distracted his thoughts and Will looked back at the bed where the young woman had sat up, her turquoise eyes shining forth at him even in the relative gloom of the setting. Instinct and dread was shoved down once again and the blacksmith found himself being pacified into the role of a romantic hero once again. The woman smiled again.  
  
"What is your name?" Will breathed, his other hand coming up to join his other hand so that he was effectively covering her dainty digits.  
  
"I am called Maxamilliana," the woman replied, her voice like silvery bells as opposed to gold ones. "Yet my friends may refer to me as simply Max."  
  
Will blinked at the revelation of the name that seemed strange to him but secretly denoted the inner feistiness of the totally original female character and found himself smiling his boyish grin instead of questioning the origins of such a name.  
  
"My name is Will," Will said in reply.  
  
"I know," Max said softly.  
  
Immediate intrigue and concern overcame the emotionally subjective blacksmith. "How do you know that?"  
  
"I know many things," Max replied with the slightest twinge of dramatic sadness.  
  
Before Will could press the matter any further and question her on her mysterious and tragic past, footsteps sounded on the wooden planks of the hall outside the room. Will whirled around and saw that Captain Jack Sparrow stood in the doorway.  
  
"Jack," Will exclaimed with more surprise than should have been necessary. "Who is at the helm?"  
  
"Savvy," Jack muttered in a way that meant that it did not matter. There were more important things to see to than the well-fare and course of the ship.  
  
Jack took a step into the room and drew his sword.  
  
Will stood slowly, his hand going for his own sword at his hip. "Jack," he said slowly, "there is no need for this."  
  
There was a small cry from behind him. Both men turned to see the young Max clutching the sheets to herself in a protective and heart-rending manner. "Please," she insisted through tear-filled eyes, "you need not fight over me."  
  
"Savvy!" Jack shouted in a way that suggested that yes, he did need to fight over her,. But before he could advance and fight the younger man to the death for the strange woman they had just met, his form wavered and the sword he held in his hand lowered slightly. The repetition of the word savvy was finally getting to him, something was wrong. This whole scenario was wrong.  
  
Will saw the momentary confusion overcome Jack, but he assumed it was for other reasons. "We do not need to fight," he declared, "at least not now. Miss Max cannot handle such a trauma now."  
  
Unwillingly, Jack was sucked back into the awful characterization of the story. He nodded and resheathed his sword. With a promised, "Savvy," the captain turned and exited the room. 


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Yea, people understand my humor! I half expected to be barraged with 'ur so meen, ur jst jealus becuz we right bitter, uh-huh, so there!!1'. So I am thankful that there are others who share my views. Thanks so much for the reviews and since they prompted me to keep going, here's another chapter!  
  
Chapter 2  
  
As Jack left the room, there was the totally original scene from the totally original plot in which the luckless blacksmith pronounced his undying love to the extravagant woman he had known for a total of maybe thirty seconds now. Along with the exchange of vows, he promised to do everything in his power to protect her and see that she was well taken care of. In which the completely original character that was Max stated vaguely that she could take care of herself and tie up her own loose ends. Further indications of her uber-mysterious past that would not be revealed until later on in the story so as to instill a feeling of suspense to the doting readers that no doubt cared as much about her as the author.  
  
So while this touching and key scene was taking place, only within the second chapter no less, Captain Jack Sparrow was forgotten for the moment by the author. He was going to be brought into the story again later of course so that he may challenge Will again in a fight to the death for the hand of the dazzling Miss Max, but for now he was left alone.  
  
Putting a hand to his head, the captain stopped where he was and felt an inexplicable feeling of nausea pass through him. What in the name of all that was holy was going on here? Why was he not at the helm and seeing that his ship did not crash into rocks or the like and why was he threatening a good friend of his over a woman that had only just arrived? And while he was at it, why was he only capable of saying savvy? Perhaps he would be able to mutter other cool pirate catch-phrases as soon as the author caught on to the concept of diction and such, but for now he was stuck.  
  
All of this seemed indeed strange to Captain Jack Sparrow, and Captain Jack Sparrow was certainly no fool. He was a pirate, and it was well-known even to those who had not seen the movie that pirates were superstitious. A witch had been brought on board.  
  
Yet before he could get any further and take action in ordering the strange witch maiden to walk the plank, he felt a dizzying sensation come over him and his thoughts were once again switched to those filled with lust, rum, and savvyness.  
  
The touching key scene was already over, as the author could not be expected to have the talent to actually flesh a scene out and give it substance, and Will was coming out of the room leading the amazingly beautiful Max by the hand. They were coming back up on deck.  
  
Max seemed momentarily surprised at the sight of Jack still loitering below deck, and this was shown by the predictable widening of her cobalt eyes. Something inside of Jack lurched at the sight of Max, but it was not his cute little pirate heart. It was something akin to logistics as he saw that the young Max was already bone dry and perfectly primped, regardless she had just been pulled out of the ocean a total of five minutes ago.  
  
But a sly smile from the once again fantastically prosed description of her lips smothered the feeling fighting to break free and savvys once more ran freely through the captain's mind.  
  
Will noticed the captain as well, and since he was too close to the young woman for his own safety, clichéd lines fell from his mouth.  
  
"Jack, why are you still down here? Were you waiting to catch one more glimpse of Max?"  
  
Jack said nothing, thank goodness, and only turned to go back up on deck. The two new lovebirds followed closely behind. "I hope you do not mind Jack," the young blacksmith was saying as they walked, "but I already promised Max she could take over the ship for a while. Coincidentally, she has had a lot of experience with ships and claims she was the captain of her own ship before it was tragically destroyed leaving no survivors save herself. That was why she was floating around in the water. She has been unconscious in the water for a whole week now and is eager to get back at the helm."  
  
Jack paused, his inner self once again fighting to break free. There was no way she could have informed Will of all of that in the small amount of time they had had together, not to mention that there was no way a body could survive for a whole week in the ocean. But even as Jack opened his mouth to question the oddity of the situation, he heard "Savvy?" come out instead.  
  
The young and still spectacularly stunning Max nodded. "Aye, savvy. Do we have an accord?" Ah, so the author was paying more attention to the dialogue in the movie than previously thought.  
  
Jack nodded, "Savvy." And thus continued on up the stairs so that he could then voluntarily relinquish his own ship, the ship that meant more to him than anything.  
  
The crew was not to be seen as the three people came up on deck, but were then hastily added in the background as the oversight was caught. Max walked straight up to the helm, her head held high and her stride relatively strong for someone who should have well been near death, if not dead completely, from starvation and lack of water.  
  
Will and Jack stayed behind off of the platform that held the helm and only stood so that they could gaze admiringly up at their daring new captain. Max ran her hands smoothly over the polished wood of the over- sized wheel and sighed happily. "A ship is freedom," she told the two men below her pointedly.  
  
Strong feelings of deja-vu swept through both of the men, but were once again conquered by another astounding smile from the Mary-S, er, original female character. And thus came forth the entire paragraph devoted to describing the appearance of the woman as seen through the eyes of the two men. Hey, be grateful that it was overlooked until chapter two.  
  
Will and Jack could not help but notice the way that her very long, and very thick jet-black hair with "natural" maroon streaks in it danced and played in the wind without managing to tangle itself. This was set off by her powdery pale skin, which was a rare thing out in the high seas as everybody else managed to get burned and weathered by the sun and wind. But all of this paled in comparison to the huge azure eyes that always glittered with a 'fire-from-within' matching the lustrous sapphire lips. She wore a simple yet pirate-style garb, the standard black skirt and white off the shoulder top complete with sword and pistol hanging off of her wide belt. It seemed that the author might have included a bandanna but then thought better of it as it would get in the way of the billowing hair.  
  
Her appearance and attitude of course clashed with what had already been laid down in chapter one, but consistency in character development, or what little there was, was of course also not to be expected.  
  
"Will!" came a voice from behind the two awe-struck men. Both turned to see the approach of Mr. Gibbs, a character that the author had forgotten about in her haste to produce and post the best love story since Gone With the Wind.  
  
Mr. Gibbs strode up to them and slapped the young blacksmith on the back in a comradely manner. "Will, what are you doing here? And where is Elizabeth?"  
  
A look of confusion passed through the dark eyes of the young man. "Elizabeth? Who is Elizabeth?"  
  
The older man frowned. "Elizabeth? The woman you risked everything for and nearly died for? The woman you have loved since you were a young lad and never, ever, wanted anyone else?"  
  
The blank expression was still plastered on the young man's face, but there was something in his dark eyes that showed a deep struggle going on within him. Mr. Gibbs was astonished and for the first time he seemed to notice Jack standing complacently by. Once more surprised, as he should have been at the helm like any respectable captain, Mr. Gibbs looked up at who was at the helm, and horror dawned on his face.  
  
'Oh no,' he thought to himself, 'not again!'  
  
Max was glaring down at the older man, her features taut with fury. She could not have him running around shooting off facts about canon like that. Since the author had forgotten to take care of him, she would have to.  
  
"Will!" Max cried. Taking his eyes off slowly from Mr. Gibbs, as he had the strangest feelings that there was more to this whole thing than what appeared, Will turned and glanced up at Max. Her face was clenched in what was supposed to be tragic horror and foreboding. "He doth be evil!" she wailed when she had his full attention.  
  
A pause fell as Will merely stared up at her, momentarily confused as to what her sentence meant.  
  
Max tried again, "There be nastiness afoot!"  
  
By now Will, Jack, and Mr. Gibbs were all staring at Max, trying to understand her message as she went from one style of dialogue to another.  
  
Finally, in desperation, she stared at Jack. "Savvy!" she screamed.  
  
That did it, for Jack immediately understood her meaning. (Poor thing.)  
  
"Savvy," he exclaimed even without the usage of an exclamation point and grabbed roughly onto Mr. Gibbs.  
  
Without even pausing to consult as to why he was doing this, Captain Jack Sparrow pulled Mr. Gibbs to the side of the ship and deftly threw him overboard. Nobody else even raised an eyebrow at his actions.  
  
"Oh thank God," Max said tearfully, "you just totally saved my life."  
  
Will took a step back from the platform and Jack looked doubtfully over the side as Max once again switched her style of diction.  
  
Max noticed their waning attentions. "On to the horizon!" she shouted, "set the sails!"  
  
And even though there is much more to be done on a ship than just merely set the sails, the chapter ends here because the author believes it to be an interesting cliffhanger. 


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Hello again. Due to the fact that people are still understanding my humor I shall continue to post. And if the event should ever occur that people do not understand what it is I am trying to compose here, I'll probably still post anyway in the hopes that somebody stumbles across it and thus becomes enraged. So until that happens, I thank you all so much for your reviews and am glad to see that others feel the same way I do, I was beginning to worry with the current situation of fanfiction being as it is. Moving on then, more story!  
  
Chapter 2  
  
The Black Pearl glided through the darkest and dankest of mists, a deep heavy-set fog that seemed to linger in the air like a lingering fog. It was as if a whole blanket had been pulled over the world, and the Black Pearl could do little more than try to fight its way through the horrendous linen.  
  
Of course, in such conditions as these, a very skilled captain was required to guide the ship. The slightest misjudgment or error in calculations could send it head-on into treacherous rocks or scraping along unseen corral reefs. Unfortunately, Jack was still standing idly by, his one-track thoughts fixated on how he was going to win the mysterious pirate maiden with navy eyes over the doting blacksmith. It was a fine pickle indeed, one that warranted his attentions much more so than the ship's course and well fare.  
  
So despite the previous mention of an able-bodied captain needing to be fixed at the helm, Max stood behind the great wheel fearlessly, her brazen attitude seeming like a beacon shining forth in the foggy mistiness that said; hey, I'm a super cool pirate maiden who knows a lot more than the true captain of this ship.  
  
"Maxamilliana," Will said, coming up beside her. "Perhaps we should anchor for the night, a shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind, I can feel it."  
  
Will paused momentarily after his statement. It seemed to him almost as if that line belonged in some other movie.....  
  
Max threw a glance over at him. "Worry not," she declared with a dramatic shake of her head, "we will see it through the night. I know what it is that I am doing."  
  
Will immediately nodded eagerly and stepped back. He started to walk away before being pulled abruptly back to standing next to Max. The author had almost forgotten that an important and inconceivable to other mere mortals plot twist was about to take place.  
  
"Where are we going?" Will asked before he could even steady his balance from the oversight.  
  
"To the Island de Muerte," she muttered mutteringly.  
  
Will thought about that for a moment. And then came the game reply, "Why?"  
  
"I have a few small matters to see to," Max said.  
  
And then, with full effects from a dramatic pause of course, she reached under her shirt and pulled out a gold Aztec coin resting on a chain around her neck.  
  
Will stared in awe and surprise, just as the author imagined her readers must be doing at the moment, before a voice interrupted the climactic scene.  
  
"Now wait here just a moment," came a slightly slurred voice. Both Will and Max turned in shock to see Captain Jack Sparrow climbing quickly up the stairs, his right hand held out awkwardly in front of him as he walked with his true lopsided gait. He had once again been forgotten by the powerful being who wrote the story.  
  
Jack reached the platform, coming towards the pair and squinting. "Now that is impossible," he stated, "there is no way that you could possess one of those coins, I don't care how interesting you think it is."  
  
Max got over her shock quickly and smoothed out her face before giving Jack a glittering smile. "What was that again, Jack?" she asked coyly.  
  
Jack went rigid. "Savvy?" he said.  
  
Max nodded, "That's what I thought."  
  
Max turned back to Will, who was standing with an unsure expression on his face. He felt that he agreed with Jack, that her possession of a coin was somehow impossible and improbable. And then he wondered over whether or not impossible and improbable truly meant the same thing, making his previous thought rather redundant.  
  
But before Max could explain just how she did come into contact with the coin, an explanation that would no doubt require much vagueness and dancing around the true plot of the original story, Max was distracted by something else.  
  
There was a ship coming towards them.  
  
How Max was able to see this ship through the aforementioned and dutifully described fog was tactfully skipped over.  
  
"Look over there," she said pointing beyond the blacksmith, "they're coming towards us in their ship."  
  
Will blinked and Jack frowned. Max caught herself and tried again.  
  
"Over their, there coming towards us in they're ship."  
  
Realization passed over the two men's faces and they immediately turned to see what she was referring to. It seemed that the minds of the two men were controlled by the one mind that wrote the fic, and that the author was still unsure on how to handle the whole 'there, their, they're' business.  
  
"Who is it?" Will asked as he squinted out into the (still foggy) distance.  
  
"Pirates of course," Max answered.  
  
"But aren't we pirates?" Will questioned, "why should that matter?"  
  
Max rolled her eyes. "Because they want my coin of course."  
  
"But how do they know about it, and what does it matter? They would only care if they were cursed, which is impossible because the curse was lifted."  
  
Max was silent for a moment, obviously unsure herself as to why anybody else would want the coin. But after a brilliant spark of inspiration from the author, she hastily answered. "Because of the monkey of course."  
  
"Savvy?" Jack spoke up. Obviously he was confused as well.  
  
Max sighed. "Apparently nobody stayed until after the credits."  
  
While the two men continued to wear blank expressions and Max, with her limited reasoning and plotting skills, tried to come up with a way to make them understand the incredible plot twist, the other ship silently glided past them and went off into the night.  
  
Max eventually noticed that the ship was gone.  
  
"Oh, I guess they didn't want the coin after all."  
  
And she walked away from the two men and positioned herself back firmly at the helm, her head once again held high and hair fluttering in an instant wind that came up to make her look more dramatic, you know, like they do in music videos.  
  
And the men merely shrugged and went back to their scheming on how to best each other and win the fair Max once and for all, because that of course would turn out to be the true focus of the plot.  
  
And as for the mysterious ship, it was likely that it would not show up again as the story would become so twisted in the impending love triangle that all the attention would be focused upon that. Hey now, we can't expect ALL authors to keep track of their own plot. 


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Hello again! And to put to rest any inquiries, yes, there is an extra scene at the end of the credits of the movie. So if you missed it, you can go ahead and go see the movie again after you read this brand- spanking new chapter. And yes, reviews are still greatly appreciated, and if you have a creative flame, feel more than free to put it on up. Right then, here's more "story".  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Morning slowly came, the golden sun dragging itself upwards into the sky that parted its many colored veils, welcoming the distended sphere into its wide bosom. As for the Black Pearl, it continued to glide through waters that were as calm as a frazzled cat contemplating its next move as it watched a piece of lint dance and lilt upon the powdery air. The shadowy fog from the night before was long gone, now replaced with air as crisp as apple strudel and a slight breeze that kissed the surface of anything it should chance upon.  
  
And after that lovely setting of the scene, Max opened her tempest eyes to be greeted with the clear new morning. She immediately got up and went straight to the helm, the place where a true captain should be. The one place that could never be forgotten and left idle at any moment.  
  
Which is why it shall never be mentioned as to what happened to it when Max was asleep, for Jack still had yet to touch the wheel ever since the fiery pirate maiden was dragged aboard.  
  
'Sugar-girl, worked at the dollar store,  
  
She worked her tail right off.  
  
She had these bright blue eyes,  
  
She dreamed in staggering size.'  
  
Will came stumbling over to Max, one hand sleepily rubbing his eye. "What was that?" he asked as when he reached Max.  
  
"What was what?" she asked in return, her sapphire eyes lighting upon his.  
  
"That song I heard just now, what was that and where did it come from?"  
  
Max rolled her (thesaurus has run out of words for blue so we shall move on to a new color) emerald eyes and sighed. "That's supposed to be background music that is setting the mood for the chapter. And besides, you're not supposed to hear it and be bothered with it, it is a parallel for my many deep running emotions."  
  
"Shouldn't it be an Avril Lavigne song, then?" whispered one of the easily forgotten crewmen in the background to another equally expendable crewman.  
  
The other crewman shook his head. "No, she's obviously being original here."  
  
"Oh."  
  
'One day a big black car,  
  
Big man with a big fat cigar.  
  
Lookin' for aspirin,  
  
All night with woman and gin.'  
  
Will frowned as more lines of the verse came down from apparently nowhere, but he knew better than to question Max on it again, so he went back to what he did best, silently admiring the maiden.  
  
Jack suddenly appeared on the other side of Max, his dark eyes flashing at the younger man across from her, a sure sign of foreshadowing to the great battle that was to come over Max. "Savvy," he greeted Max with a grin.  
  
Max nodded in his direction, keeping her focus on the horizon beyond. "Morning, Jack," she answered. She did not look at either man. She would not make her affections clear yet as to which man she truly fancied, both would have to do a strong amount of wooing in order to win her over. But again, the reasons behind why either man would even want to do this and why her continued presence was even on the Black Pearl were lightly skipped over.  
  
'He said baby what's your name?  
  
Nothin' that can't be changed,  
  
Baby what's your age,  
  
Oh don't you ever say.'  
  
Now it was Jack's turn to squint and look about. "Savvy?" he questioned.  
  
Will caught his eye and shook his head. "Don't ask."  
  
"Well now," Max finally said as a silence stretched between the three of them, "what shall we do today?"  
  
"Perhaps we should figure out the safest way to dispose of your coin," Will commented after a moment. "That thing is not safe here."  
  
Max glanced over at the blacksmith. "Coin, what coin?"  
  
Will paused before saying, "The Aztec coin that you somehow got a hold of? The coin that you fear evil pirates will come after you for?"  
  
"Oh," Max waved her hand, "that coin. Well, I thought it over last night and it came to me that since the curse was broken two months ago it shall be forever dormant and will thus cause me no harm. Nobody else wants it anyway, it is simply a souvenir given to me that will tie in later to a huge twist in the story revealing more of my mysterious past and origin."  
  
Will's mouth was hanging slightly open, as was Jack's. "But," Will tried again, "you mentioned something about the monkey and there is nothing in the old legends that say the curse can never be replaced again."  
  
Max faced Will completely, her smile glinting in the sun. "Just forget it Will, it is not important."  
  
And Will, once again sucked into the spell that strengthened anytime she smiled, only nodded and grinned.  
  
'She said, as ever the sun,  
  
As ever the moon,  
  
You put it together  
  
I am twilight.  
  
As ever I'm black,  
  
As ever I'm white,  
  
You put me together I am twilight.'  
  
"Now really," the crewman once again commented to his bloke, "that song has absolutely nothing to do with what's going on."  
  
"Do they ever?" the other crewman commented.  
  
Both men hastily shut up when Max glanced behind and saw them standing there, her jade eyes glinting harshly. "Aren't you two supposed to be doing something important?" she asked them through her teeth.  
  
The crewmen blanched and then nodded, quickly turning and making their way towards the far end of the ship where the rest of the immobile crew stood. If they did not wish to go the way of Gibbs, they would have to be careful.  
  
'Hey you're a beautiful girl,  
  
Don't you know I rule the world.  
  
I can make you a star,  
  
I can take you real far.'  
  
Will wet his lips and fidgeted. He didn't know how much more of the song he could take. "Is there something you want-  
  
'That camera's for makin' love,  
  
You smile and don't say a word.'  
  
"-me to do?" Will finished as soon as the song allowed him to.  
  
Max shook her head, "No I don't think so."  
  
'I'll be the one that talks,  
  
You'll be the one that walks.'  
  
Jack too, looked like he could not take much more of the song. In a flurry of desperation, he drew out his sword. He and the blacksmith would have it out right now, anything to distract from the possibility of this becoming a songfic.  
  
'And shake those curvy hips,  
  
Kiss with those cherry lips.'  
  
Crying out a frustrated "Savvy!" Jack lunged at the surprised blacksmith. Will was taken unawares, he had assumed that they would not fight again until a much more climactic moment. But as the song continued to play, he could feel his own ire growing.  
  
'You've got a very sexy way,  
  
Sugar-girl is your new name.'  
  
Drawing his own sword, Will dodged the swipe from Jack's sword and made a winding arc of his own. His blow was easily met by the pirate captain and thrown off. Somewhere in the distance, the men could hear the frantic cries of Max. But growing louder to match their own fervor, the relentless song played on.  
  
'She's the face of the day,  
  
She's known for being that way.  
  
Every man wants a part,  
  
It's what all women want.'  
  
Will and Jack continued to fight, making their blows more desperate and more daring. Not because they really wanted to hurt each other, but because they wanted anything to distract from the song. But it continued.  
  
'Sugar-girl, you're a diva,  
  
The press would really like to know  
  
Do you adore yourself,  
  
Like all the rest of us do?'  
  
Will paused for a second, marveling at the lyrics of the song. He found himself wondering what much of it meant, as it was full of modern slang and concepts that nobody in this era should know about.  
  
And as the poor blacksmith stood distracted, Jack moved in quickly and put a nice new rip in Will's shoulder. And, because the author did not know anything about swords or wounds, Will immediately dropped to his knees and wavered a few seconds before promptly passing out.  
  
Jack stood over the young man for a moment, his sword held high as he listened intently. The song had stopped.  
  
And the song was then forgotten about as Max rushed over to Will with indignant rage. For now would come the thrilling sequence in which Max herself would pick up the fallen blacksmith's sword and fight Jack off before personally seeing to Will's wounds and nursing him back to health.  
  
Cliffhanger!  
  
Additional Note and Disclaimer: Yes, believe it or not, that is a real song. It is "Twilight" by the wonderful Stella Soleil. I swear it really is a decent song, but I just had to use it horribly out of context for this chapter. There's just something about songfics, I don't know, I had to do it! 


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Ah, you all thought I had given up, didn't you? You thought I had grown tired of the useless cliches and had no more to write about, didn't you? You thought I had gouged out my eyes with an oversized barbecue fork due to the 'research' I conducted for this fic, didn't you?! Or you just thought I was lazy, if that was the case, you are indeed right. Anyway, here's more for ya'll, love if you want, hate if you will, but either way review!  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Will dragged open impossibly heavy eyelids and squinted in the sudden light that stabbed at his fragile little corneas. He groaned and turned slightly onto his side.  
  
At the sound of his groan, there was the immediate response of rustling from the side of the bed he was on and then a hand was placed on his forehead. "Will, my dearest, come back to me."  
  
Will found the voice slightly familiar, and since he wasn't exactly feeling all that great, he did not bother to ponder over it for too long. Will reached up and covered the hand that had traveled down to his cheek with his own hand. "Elizabeth," he whispered.  
  
The hand drew away.  
  
"What did you say?" asked the same voice, only not quite so pleasant as before.  
  
Will blinked and turned again so that he could fully see the person kneeling beside his bed. The woman that came into view was not the one he had thought it would be.  
  
Sitting up quickly, Will stared. "Where is Elizabeth? Who are you, where am I?"  
  
Max frowned at Will's line of questioning. She did not need this right now, Will was supposed to be clear-headed so that he could go back to plotting how he could possibly defeat Jack for her.  
  
"Will," Max spoke up, a smile forming over her lips to further enhance the spell, "you are on the Black Pearl with me and Captain Jack Sparrow and the two of you got into a fight. But don't worry, I dealt with Jack after you went down and took care of you."  
  
Will frowned. He felt like he was being pulled down into some sort of fog, a multi-colored fog with pretty pink sparkles and little ponies playing about and everything always turned out okay and became a romance somehow.  
  
It was a scary place that he did not want to go to.  
  
Will shook his head, he tried to fight it. He tried to keep his senses about him and stay awake so that he could have a chance of getting away from here.  
  
But one look at the ridiculously bright smile and he was done for.  
  
Max noted the glazed look that came over his eyes and sensed the fact that his IQ had suddenly dropped about fifty points.  
  
"Are you alright now my dearest?" she asked.  
  
Will blinked again. But then he smiled.  
  
"Of course my love, I am with you."  
  
Max smiled again, only this time it was one of grim satisfaction. Will reached out for her hand.  
  
Max stood and stepped out of reach of him. "No, I cannot let you think that you can love me," she stated dramatically, pleased that the story was finally continuing in the fashion that it was meant to.  
  
"What do you mean?" the poor blacksmith asked gamely.  
  
"I cannot lead you on when I am unsure of whom my heart doth belongs to," Max replied with her head bowing sadly.  
  
Will frowned. "But I thought you just said that you fought Jack to save me."  
  
"Oh, I did," Max readily agreed, "but as we fought, our levels of expertise and skill matched perfectly even though I only just picked up a sword for the first time three weeks ago, I could not help but wonder if our souls were just as equally matched. We fight now, but it's only a parallel for the sexual tension lying underneath, you know."  
  
Will had nothing to say to that.  
  
"Oh now don't cry," Max said coming closer to the bed again.  
  
For a moment, Will was not sure what she was talking about, but then found to his horror that his cheeks were wet, and that he was indeed crying. Now why in the........  
  
"Please, there's still a chance for you, like I said, I have not made my decision."  
  
Before Max could get a chance to delve more into her twisted love triangle plot, there was the sound of loud thumping on the stairs. Somebody else was coming below deck.  
  
Max turned, her body of course instinctively moving in front of Will so as to protect him if it turned out to be, oh, let's say, dangerous skeletal pirates. You know, the totally original and creative ones.  
  
But alas, it was no such exciting thing, only a bumbling Captain Jack Sparrow with a suspicious bottle clutched in his hand. And of course since the author of the story is most likely a very young girl and is unaware of what a true rum bottle looks like, the matter was rectified by the word RUM being printed across the bottle.  
  
"Jack," Max proclaimed, "I thought you quit drinking!"  
  
Jack squinted one eye at her and said, "Savvy?"  
  
"Well, we haven't come to it yet, but there was going to be a whole sequence in which I come to you in an intervention over the drink and you realize that you would do anything to please me and you give it up completely."  
  
Jack peered at her and then back at the bottle in his hand. He shrugged, muttered "Savvy," and then tilted his head back for another drink.  
  
When he was done taking a swig, his eyes lit upon Will and he dropped the bottle. He whipped his sword out, again, and uttered a dangerous, "Savvy."  
  
"No," Max stepped up so that she was completely between Jack and Will, "you cannot fight him now, he's not even recuperated yet."  
  
Jack looked doubtful and even remorseful, but then reluctantly resheathed his sword.  
  
"Just take your vile drink and go," Max said, plans for the upcoming dramatic intervention running through her mind.  
  
Jack gave one last, smoldering glance, and then turned to rumble back up the stairs.  
  
Max turned one last time to Will as Jack exited, her olive eyes lighting with compassion mixed with sorrow mixed with some other angsty emotion on the blacksmith. "I will be leaving you now," she said softly, "but I shall be back to make sure you are still well."  
  
And with those delicate parting words, she turned and left.  
  
And once again, the fact that the two 'captains' of the ship had both been below deck and nobody was at the helm was expertly, or asininely whichever you prefer, skipped over. 


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Let's see here, nope still not dead, and nope haven't abandoned the story, so what does this mean? Why a new chapter of course! As always sorry for the dreadful update but school is proving to truly bite and is seriously cutting into my sitting around time. So without further ado, more story and please review!  
  
Chapter 6  
  
It was time.  
  
The perfect moment for the dramatic intervention sequence had come. The current weather was even perfect for the mood, a subtle *cough*not*cough* touch added by the author. A full moon hung distorted above the Black Pearl, with clouds covering most of it along with a heavy mist that had come to settle upon the sea and the consequent ship.  
  
Max made her way to the back of the ship where the poor drunken man stood. Her step was light yet firm, her bottle green eyes alight with her determination while the light of the moon shone down over her pale figure, making her gleam with an ethereal light of her own, adding to the dark dramatic light of the scene, making it not dark at all but rather light, with the light coming from her, and gleaming with light, in addition to the light of the moon, as a matter of fact it was day. A day heavy with clouds that let little light from the sun shine through, but what little rays there were still lit upon her hair, causing her to gleam, and giving her her ethereal light, because God forbid she not have an ethereal light.  
  
So anyways, it was evening and Max made her way to Captain Jack Sparrow, thoughts of her dramatic intervention running through her fragile little mind.  
  
"Jack," she stated firmly, traces of an accent in her voice. Her accent varied depending on her mood, and the fact that the accent was just introduced in chapter six was certainly not an oversight on the author's part.  
  
Jack looked at her through one squinted eye, his pupils confused by the sudden changing in all the lighting during her walk towards him. "Savvy?"  
  
"I have come to discuss matters with you over your vile drink. You are constantly in an ineber...inebriat...inibret...drunken state and you need to knock it off."  
  
"Savvy?" Jack said in a manner that meant, why?  
  
"Because it is vile," Max proclaimed, her reasons for her distaste of the drink limited to the vocabulary of the movie.  
  
Jack thought it over. In fact, he wondered why it was indeed such a big deal. After all, he liked to drink, but it was not as if he couldn't handle his liquor. The only reason he always appeared the way he did was because he was a pirate who had been out in the sun for too long and his performance was based on Keith Richards and he was internally very cunning and used his seemingly confused state to his advantage as the villain repeatedly underestimated him.  
  
That seemed like a good enough reason for him to drink whenever the heck he pleased, but for some reason he had been drinking a good deal more these days. And he had the sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with the same reason he had such a limited vocabulary.  
  
Max seemed to notice the independent thinking taking place.  
  
"Hello? I said you need to give up the vile drink!"  
  
"Savvy," Jack promptly answered.  
  
"That's better," Max replied. "Now give it up," her sea-green eyes suddenly turned coquettish along with the tone of her voice, "for me?"  
  
Jack felt his will, and right mind, melting away. Just one look in those eyes that looked so similar to the smoothest shade of pea soup and he was gone.  
  
"Savvy," Jack said quietly, tears suddenly spilling down his cheeks.  
  
Max nodded and placed a hand upon one of his shoulders, her own alabaster cheeks shining with tears. It was a very touching and moving scene. Even the forgotten crewmen were crying, though whether or not it was for the same reason or at seeing the demise of their poor captain nobody was quite sure.  
  
"You'll never drink again, will you Jack?" Her voice was choked up with the overflow of emotion.  
  
"Savvy," Jack said shaking his head, the tears freely running down his cheeks. In the back of his mind, he was quite annoyed with the superfluous tears, worrying slightly over smudged eyeliner or something.  
  
"Okay," Max took a final sob and straightened, her inner strength coming valiantly through as always. "So, we have an accord?"  
  
Accord? That sounded familiar to some other line of dialogue that belonged to something else.  
  
But Jack only nodded, running a hand over his cheeks, the tears thankfully stopped.  
  
"Now that that's all settled, I must get back to seeing to matters on this ship. You know, official captain matters."  
  
At her statement, something welled up within Captain Jack Sparrow, some sense of deep pride and love for only one thing that he would never let anyone else have.  
  
"Don't you touch my ship!" he called out after her.  
  
Max stopped dead in her tracks, and when she turned back around her green (yup, you heard right, just green) eyes were wide in surprise.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
Jack felt something pulling at his will deep inside of him, something that was trying to coax him back into the abyss. But he held on strongly to the thought of the Black Pearl falling into the hands of somebody who obviously had not the slightest clue of what they were doing after all he had been through for getting his ship back.  
  
"I said that you had better keep your hands off of my ship," he said advancing on her.  
  
Max looked about wildly for a moment. This was not right, this should not be happening. It was a breach of canon!  
  
"And furthermore," Jack continued as he took a step towards her with his characteristic way of moving fully in tact, "I shall drink as much rum as I please."  
  
"Will!" Max screamed.  
  
Jack hesitated, her outburst not quite what he had suspected.  
  
The luckless blacksmith was on deck within seconds, rushed by the sense of urgency in her voice.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Will," Max turned to him, her green (still just green) eyes overflowing with tears again. She clutched onto his sleeve. "He tried to rape me," she sobbed.  
  
"Don't flatter yourself luv," Jack muttered.  
  
But poor Will stood not a chance with the nearness of Max and the overflow of emotion making her stronger.  
  
He immediately drew out his sword.  
  
Jack rolled his eyes. "Oh for the love of...don't you see Will, this is madness! I shall not fight you over this wench."  
  
Will frowned, but was distracted by the constant pull at his sleeve. "Please Will," she whimpered, "for me?"  
  
"No Will, don't do it!"  
  
Jack turned in surprise at the unexpected help from behind. One of the crewmen had stepped forward, his eagerness at all proper canon breaking free coming through. "Think Will, you can fight it! Think about Elizabeth!"  
  
Will faltered, his dark brown eyes holding confusion. He looked at Max, then back at Jack and the crewman.  
  
"Oh that's it," Max muttered, her sobbing immediately stopped as she stepped away from Will and forward.  
  
"I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this, but this mutiny shall not be tolerated."  
  
Suddenly, she started to glow. And not just with her 'ethereal' light. She became brighter and brighter until all those standing nearby had to either look away or shield their eyes.  
  
Jack noticed the impending doom.  
  
"No!" he shouted raising his sword and starting to charge towards her.  
But he never made it.  
  
In a blast of sudden uber-Sue magikal powers, the light around her exploded, knocking all on the ship flat onto their backs.  
  
When the aftermath of the blast subsided, leaving only a dull resonation of power, the men started to groan and sit up. Max stood still, her breath coming heavily, her eyes looking wildly about her as the men moved.  
  
"Jack!" she called out when she saw the captain raise his head uncertainly. "What time is it?"  
  
"Savvy?" he answered.  
  
Max smiled. "That's what I thought." 


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Once again I make my triumphant return! Oh no dear readers, fret not, we're not done with Max yet! And to those who prod my lazy arse to continue, thank you. And I love the reviews, so feel free to comment, and if you have a creative flame, it's more than welcome. I believe I've only had one semi-flame, and it wasn't even original. Come on now people!  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Max was once again situated comfortably at the helm. Her raven hair billowed in the wind, not enough so that it got into a tangled mess, but enough to look sexy and wild. Yet even though she was supposed to be concentrated on the direction of the massive ship, her gaze kept straying to the two men on deck. Captain Jack Sparrow and the luckless blacksmith Will Turner were standing in some sort of stupor. Truthfully, they couldn't move because the author had not yet decided what to do with them. Apparently the art of 'plot-twists' had failed her once again.  
  
Yet suddenly, a twisted idea began to grow.  
  
The sky immediately darkened overhead and the whitecaps in the water increased. Dark and foreboding was the immediate atmosphere, but for once Max found herself affected by it. This was not subtle foreshadowing of a dramatic scene involving her, she had no immediate plans to upset the delicate balance she had just restored to her men.  
  
But author had plans of her own.  
  
"Man overboard!" came the cry from one of the generic crewmen.  
  
Max scowled and looked into the frothy water. No....she wouldn't dare....  
Will and Jack immediately ran to the side of the ship and prepared to hoist somebody onto deck. To Max, this seemed all too familiar to the way her adventure had started.  
  
A young woman was pulled onto the wooden planks of the Black Pearl.  
  
Max immediately released the great wheel of the ship. There were much more important things now to look to than the safety of the ship.  
  
Her turquoise eyes blazed with every step she took, her fury mounting within her. For she could make out that it was indeed a young woman that had been pulled on deck, but one with indistinct features and coloring to her. She almost looked like a blank paper doll, just waiting for somebody to pick up and play with.  
  
Max paused, uncertain of this new creature.  
  
The two men, however, were instantly cooing and comforting the thing pulled on board. Muffled cries of 'are you okay?' and 'don't worry, you're safe now' came to Max's ears over the din of the increasing winds.  
  
The paper-doll like creature formed words of its own. "Where am I?"  
  
The voice was as indistinct as the rest of her and was seemingly a mix of several voices all jumbled into one.  
  
"Was your ship attacked by pirates?" Will asked in earnest. Or as earnest as he could possibly be with the lack of character depth to him.  
  
"Yes," declared the doll in a sorrow-filled voice, or voices, and then apparently appeared to pass out.  
  
"I will take her down into my quarters so she can rest," Will said immediately, gathering the creature in her arms.  
  
"Savvy," Captain Jack Sparrow protested. His savvy obviously meant that he was annoyed because Will had gotten to take care of the last damsel in distress.  
  
"No, you can have Max," Will said as he struggled to stand and pass Jack by.  
  
"Savvy!" Jack yelled.  
  
Max's sequin-like eyes narrowed at the overheard conversation. This was not supposed to happen, not in her story!  
  
And then she heard it.  
  
It was a muted voice, and only occasionally audible due to the way it was twisted by the wind, but she heard it nonetheless.  
  
'You are lost at sea and rescued by the Black Pearl. Once taken on board Will and Jack fight over which one is to take care of you.'  
  
Max let out a small curse. The author had turned on her!  
  
The story had changed its direction from a standard Mary-Sue to the increasingly popular and even more annoying 'You' stories.  
  
Max threw back her head and screamed her rage at the sky. How could the author do this to her? Surely whoring for reviews had sunken to an all- new level.  
  
Will walked right past her with the 'thing' in his arms and didn't even look her way.  
  
"Will!" Max called after him. But he kept going.  
  
Max turned and saw Jack still standing stupidly on the deck. The author was still incapable of concerning herself with more than one character at a time, leaving large amounts of dead space.  
  
"Jack," she called stepping towards him, "Jack dear, it's me."  
  
Jack turned his eyes towards her, but that was all he was able to do at the moment. However Max could see the inner struggle going on within him, but she was hesitant to do too much to upset him in case he somehow gained his true character back like the disaster in the last chapter.  
  
Max stepped closer to him and gave him a small smile. However as soon as she did her head spun and she doubled over slightly. She was short of breath and had to wait until everything stilled again.  
  
No, it couldn't be.  
  
She was losing her uber-cool and super-magikal Sue powers. The 'You' creature was sucking up all of author's attention and limited creativity! If Max didn't act soon, she would fade away and become like the crewmen, if she stayed alive at all. Now that would be a true tragedy. *cough*sarcasm*cough*  
  
Max called on the last of her uber-Sue powers and gave Jack another smile. It seemed to work, his dark eyes cleared and he looked at her.  
  
"Jack my dear," she said in a low voice standing very close to him, "you have to rid your ship of this new abomination. Your faithful crew and the very ship that you worked so hard to get back are in danger. She is one of Barbossa's crew in disguise! She will kill us all!"  
  
Jack frowned at the thought and his hand went for his sword.  
  
Max silently urged him on, not wanting to risk anything by saying anymore. Finally she leaned even closer to his ear and whispered, "Go, kill her now before you die!"  
  
With a valiant "Savvy!" Jack charged below deck his sword held high.  
  
Max collapsed to the floor of the deck, her eyes dulling to a normal brown. Looking over her shoulder, she could also see her long, thick, and onyx hair also turning a normal shade of brown while simultaneously shortening and developing split ends.  
  
Oh God no, she was turning normal!  
  
"Hurry," Max muttered through clenched teeth which might have been turning slightly yellow, she wasn't sure.  
  
Meanwhile, Jack burst into Will's chambers. The paper-doll figure was leaned out on the bed, Will leaning over it and holding its hand. He looked up when Jack entered and stood slowly when he saw the wild look in Jack's eye.  
  
The paper-doll thing seemed to wake up then, author sensing an impending battle that was no doubt over the hand of 'You'.  
  
"Savvy!" Jack shouted urgently.  
  
"No," poor Will said his own hand going for his sword. "I will not let you have her."  
  
Jack shook his head, that was not what he meant. But since he obviously had no way to explain himself in cool pirate slang, he was only able to rush Will. And both of them, apparently oblivious to the fact that they had just dueled little more than let's say, three hours ago, fought with full strength.  
  
"She is mine!" Will shouted.  
  
'You are frightened as the two swarthy pirate men fight over You, their bodies glistening with sweat and their muscles bulging. Although terrified, You can't help but feel a sense of thrill at the animalistic display before You.'  
  
The two men stopped fighting.  
  
"What was that voice?" Will asked.  
  
Jack gestured pointedly at the thing on the bed. It was because of her.  
  
"But that almost seems like a fell voice on the air," Will mumbled. And then he frowned. Why did he keep saying these things that seemed like they belonged somewhere else? It was almost as if somebody kept confusing him with somebody else.  
  
Jack took advantage of the momentarily confused Will and pushed past him grabbing onto the creature. This was not what author had in mind.  
  
He flung the creature over his shoulder and started to upper-deck. Will followed, eager to know why he had these odd feelings all the time.  
  
The creature began to kick and scream as Jack walked over to the side of the ship. This was definitely not what the author had in mind. It tried to stare into Jack's eyes and seduce him with Sue powers, but since the ubiquitous 'You' Sue could not be distinctly defined she lacked dazzling color to her eyes, which was of course the power-center for all Sue powers. Because why else would so much time be spent on describing eyes if they did not hold some special purpose?  
  
Immune to the colorless eyes, Jack deftly pitched the creature overboard. Her scream ripped through the air, but oddly enough nobody came to her immediate aid. Even Will felt some sort of huge oppressive weight lift from his shoulder's as it happened.  
  
The two men stood silently side by side, watching the creature flail about in water before eventually sinking. Because of course, since she is a 'You' Sue, some of the people reading can't swim.  
  
"She was evil," Will finally said quietly. Jack nodded.  
  
"Damn right she was," said a voice behind them.  
  
Will and Jack turned to see Max standing behind them, her luminous eyes and fluorescent-like hair restored to their usual order. For as soon as the 'You' Sue was destroyed, she had regained her powers due to the lack of female competition.  
  
And let's face it, an ordinary Sue is better than a 'You' Sue. 


End file.
